Good luck gals!  Do us proud!

The Steel Hurtin’ ended a drought of home bouts by hosting the closely-matched Chicago Outfit Syndicate on a warm summer’s eve at Romp ‘n’ Roll in Glenshaw, PA. The two teams came into the bout ranked only one slot apart by Flat Track Stats. The Pittsburgh fans were indeed treated to a very close match that featured three lead changes and lots of drama with the Steel Hurtin’ eventually emerging as the battered yet happy victors, 167-114. The opening contest between the Blitzburgh Bombers and Chicago Outfit Shade Brigade was a similar story, wherein the Bombers outlasted the assault of the Brigade and won 118-71.

The Blitzburgh Bombers began the night against the Chicago Outfit Shade Brigade in what looked at first to be an uneven matchup. Inga Knee’her, jamming for Blitzburgh, slowly muscled her way through the Brigade pack then found herself in an opening powerjam position which was limited to 10 points by the good defense of Erin Watershow. The Tooth Fairy then squeezed through the Chicago blockers for 10 of her own as GroovyHott LoveyPants (aka G-Love) laid a huge hit on Shebiscuit in a last ditch defense. A few jams later, Shebiscuit got her team on the scoreboard at 27-4 as her teammates trapped the Kraken in the back of the pack. Vicious Virus and G-Love continued to lead a stifling Bombers defense as Cruisin’ B. Anthony snuck through for a 7-0 win as the midpoint of the first half passed with a 39-10 lead for the Bombers.

The swift Lindiana Jones began the Chicago Outfit comeback, with her quick first step capturing lead jammer against the deliberate no-packs engineered by her team’s strategy and leading to a 4-0. After a couple scoreless jams, Shebiscuit followed suit with some sweet moves coinciding with more strong defense from Erin Watershow and Kim Mortal. Following those 8 unanswered points, Ivana Schoop punched a hole past G-Love for Graves as Inga Knee’her went to the box for a track cut. The first Chicago powerjam was short-lived however as after 5 points, Graves’ back block switched her places with Inga Knee’her, who made Ivana Schoop whiff on a big hit while she got back the 5 points. Lindiana Jones answered with a quick 4 as Pain Gwen forced a track cut by the Tooth Fairy who had scored 5 of her own. Starting the next jam with the only jammer, Shade Brigade employed a strange strategy of deliberately creating their own pileup of blockers for a no-pack starting whistle. Several out-of-play penalties by Blitzburgh filled up their own box but Shebiscuit wound up with no points for the jam and the half came to a close with Blitzburgh up 55-30.

The second half began with a furious comeback by the Shade Brigade. Ottermatic Weapon, Pain Gwen, and Lindiana Jones commenced a relentless waterfall of blocks against Red Rum Blur while Graves skated for 8 points. Shebiscuit followed with another 8, with this time Cece PAINiston and Charlenne In Charge leading the Chicago defense. Lindiana Jones’ speed and Graves’ tiptoeing agility through the no-packs concluded the 23-0 run and suddenly Blitzburgh’s lead was at only 2 points with 24 minutes remaining. After a few close jams, Enemy Batterfly and Whiskey Mick put the clamps down on Shebiscuit while Red Rum Blur got some breathing room at a 6-point lead. Then G-Love followed with a great defensive play, a big block forcing a major track cut from Lindiana Jones. Cruisin’ B. Anthony put a slick move around Lemmy Destroyer and blasted through for 14 points. With just 15 minutes remaining, the Blitzburgh lead was back up to 77-58.

Inga Knee’her followed up still in the powerjam and alone on the line. Chicago attempted to run the pack but the Blitzburgh blockers eventually caught up and trapped Pain Gwen and Inga Knee’her fought through some strong hits to score 9 more. Cruisin’ B. Anthony followed with another 14 and the gap was now at 40 points in a mere 9 minutes. The difference stayed static over the next few jams as Vicious Virus and Charlenne In Charge led the defenses for their respective squads. With less than three minutes to go, Lindiana Jones was finally slowed down, this time by her own fallen blockers. Cruisin’ B. Anthony took advantage for 9 points as Lolli Pop and Tooth Fairy played a solid front wall, sealing the 118-71 victory for the Bombers.

For the main event, the Chicago Outfit Syndicate revved up with a prolonged, rumbling battle cry. Despite the strong emotion, the first half of the bout showcased two teams executing varied and creative playbooks. Chicago jammer Lola Blow quickly made it out of the pack but without the first lead jam of the night. Steel Hurtin’ star Hurricane Heather, however, found herself stifled against a black back wall led by Smashley Destructo and Maul E. Hatchet and never made it out of the pack to call off the jam and the Syndicate took the early 10-0 lead. Steel City returned the favor with damage dahl, Friction VixXxen, and the Crippler keeping Queefer Sutherland under wraps while the Shocker struck back for a 9-0 jam. Chicago Outfit’s “A” team kept up the strategy of kneeling no-packs to start the jams with mixed successes leading to many jams where the first jammer out of the pack was not lead. Queefer Sutherland and ‘snot rocket science battled a 9-9 jam with no lead as Chicago held on to a 20-18 lead. The Shocker brought Steel Hurtin’ to within a point, riding J-Bomb right through the pack. Then Mean Burrito slashed through to take a 26-25 lead for Steel Hurtin’ while La Diabla leveled Queefer Sutherland. Two jams later, as the midway point passed, Mean Burrito somehow stayed vertical on one skate following a big hit by Smashley Destructo to open the lead up to 34-25.

Queefer Sutherland answered, however, fighting through some last-ditch blocking by the Crippler to score 9 as Smashley Destructo continued to blast Pittsburgh jammers to the outside, this time against the Shocker. The lead down to 3, Mean Burrito came up big again with a quick dash around a knelt pack for lead and then surviving several punishing trips through the pack for 16 to Sweet Mary Pain’s 8. What had been a relatively penalty-free bout began to change character with rough play sending many blockers to the box. Lola Blow fought off Ally McKill for a 4-0 against a short pack and Queefer Sutherland followed with one of her own as ‘snot rocket science found herself ejected from the game in a shocking development. Again the lead was at 3 with momentum shifting to Chicago and again Steel Hurtin’ answered, keeping their heads when faced with the loss of one of their leaders. The Crippler put a great last-second hit on Valerie Of The Dolls to keep her in the pack while the Shocker scored 9 unanswered points. Not to be outdone, Lola Blow took advantage of the first powerjam of the bout with less than 5 minutes remaining in the half as Hurricane Heather left for a track cut, followed by her teammate Athena. By the time Hurricane Heather returned to the floor, Lola Blow had scored 13 to take back the lead for Chicago Outfit, 63-62, with less than 3 minutes in the half. But as Lola Blow had called off her successful jam, she’d been called for a penalty of her own, and Hurricane Heather toed the line solo. With a 4-2 advantage, Hurricane Heather rode that powerjam for 23 points and an 85-63 lead which led to halftime.

The physical play continued after the break with a couple penalties right off and the Shocker stretched the lead up to 16 with an 8-4 powerjam win. The Crippler kept up the pressure, forcing a wedge for Hurricane Heather to score 10 in the early part of the next jam but penalties to Friction VixXxen and J-Bomb opened up the pack for Queefer Sutherland to answer with 7. Sweet Mary Pain’s 9 and Lola Blow’s 4 on a powerjam cut the lead to 107-88 on a powerjam with 20 minutes to go. But Chicago’s no-packs hurt them as Mean Burrito sprinted past and the Shocker juked around the starting 3-walls to get 7 unanswered points back. Then Mean Burrito opened up the biggest lead of the bout scoring 14 on a powerjam which featured several suddenly stopped packs through which the spry Steel Hurtin’ jammer needed some quick thinking and quicker feet. With a quarter of the bout remaining, Pittsburgh led by 40, 128-88.

Still in a powerjam, the Shocker played caboose to Athena’s freight train in a set play to get through the pack. Athena then cleared house in the back for the Shocker’s scoring pass for 9 more points padding the lead. With 10 minutes remaining, Smashley Destructo and Gaygan led a punishing defense which exhausted the Shocker as Lola Blow skated through a light pack to get 15 back and narrow the lead to 33 points and a glimmer of hope. But as they did throughout the night, Steel Hurtin’ avoided the devastating single jam which had hurt them in previous bouts by keeping their heads and sticking to a game plan. Hurricane Heather battled Gaygan to capture lead while damage dahl took down Sweet Mary Pain, who then went to the box. Hurricane Heather, with a powerjamming head of steam, sped towards a solid Syndicate back wall when she wisely came to a stop before possibly making contact and getting called for a back block of her own. Experience kept her patient which was rewarded with 13 points as Athena and damage dahl eventually goated Margles McNasty to free her and seal the victory for the last 6 minutes. The final, 167-114 Steel Hurtin’.

It is important to note that this is the LAST GAME the Blitzburgh Bombers will play this season.  If you’re a Bombers fan, you won’t want to miss this one!  This bout also features a half-time entertainment event from our Fresh Meat Squad.

Peep tha deets:

When: Saturday, July 16

Time: Doors – 6:30, Game – 7:00

Where: Romp n’ Roll Skating Rink, 1661 E. Sutter Rd., Glenshaw, PA 15116

Cost: $10 in advance, $15 at the door, kids under 10 get in free.

Get your tickets HERE, from Wild Card in Lawrenceville, Slacker in the South Side, or from your friendly neighborhood roller girl!

The Rideau Valley Roller Girls (Ottawa, ONT) and Eerie Roller Girls (Erie, PA) made the trip south to Glenshaw, PA to take on B-Unit and the Blitzburgh Bombers, respectively, on Saturday, May 21, 2011. The first rain-free day in seemingly months (or perhaps The Rapture) may have led to a smaller-than-average home crowd at Romp ‘n’ Roll but those “left behind” enjoyed a couple hard-fought but ultimately lopsided battles. The Rideau Valley Vixens used great blocking to defeat B-Unit 212-71 in a very physical bout. The second match saw Steel City get revenge as the Bombers’ team speed and experience handed Eerie the 237-26 loss in this, their debut bout.

Last season, the B-Unit defeated Rideau Valley in a tight, back-and-forth bout. This season, it was a different story as the Vixens from Ottawa brought a dominating mid-pack wall that seamlessly switched from defense to offense for sixty hard-hitting minutes. In the first jam of the bout, B-Unit jammer McShovin found herself hitting that wall and heading to the box as Ripper A. Part tore around the track for 19 unanswered points as the wall stayed virtually still. In the second jam, Fannie Mayhem fought through for lead jammer but only managed a point for B-Unit before meeting up with a punishing block from Surgical Strike ending the jam. The Vixens’ wall struck again on the following jam, goating Miss Ill and EradiKate in turn while D.D.T. took advantage of another powerjam to run the score up to 27-1. With the lead threatening to get out of hand early, B-Unit’s Velvet Assassin forced a track cut by Soul Rekker and Fannie Mayhem scored 9 in the resulting powerjam. Death Cake for Cutie amazingly kept her balance on one leg as she slipped through the front wall for lead in the next jam and brought B-Unit up to 34-17 as Miss Ill played good defense on D.D.T. Two jams later, the big-hitting Surgical Strike went down with a knee injury laying a block during a set play on the first whistle. Fannie Mayhem attacked the short-handed pack for 14 points as EradiKate, Busty Brawler, Velvet Assassin, and Miss Ill employed their own trap on ASSASSINista’s return from the penalty box. As midpoint of the first half passed, the B-Unit had fought back to a 38-31 score.

Unfortunately, that’s where the scoring stopped for almost 10 minutes. Rideau Valley’s captain Semi Precious put on an absolute clinic of booty blocking, time and again sending B-Unit’s jammers to the floor. Joined by her teammates ASSASSINista and Slavic Slayer, Semi Precious led a six-jam shutout and big jams by Ripper A. Part and Soul Rekker blew the lead up to 72-31. With 7 minutes remaining in the half, D.D.T. had captured a seventh-straight lead jam for Ottawa but was penalized as she tried to call off before the approaching Fannie Mayhem could hit the pack. Fannie Mayhem then avoided 3 straight hits off a Canadian waterfall and followed a great block by MILF-Shake to strike for 14. The following jam Tower O’Terror held back Ripper A. Part for three turns but the wall of Blackout Susan, Semi Precious, and Slavic Slayer was even better on Death Cake for Cutie who could not escape except to the sin bin and Ripper A. Part powerjammed back 13 points. The following jam began with great defense by Crushin’ Dior right off the whistle to keep Soul Rekker in check long enough for Death Cake for Cutie to return to play, capture lead jam, and win a 4-1 jam. Momentum was not for B-Unit to maintain however as D.D.T. slipped through a short-handed B-Unit pack for 10 points to end the half as the leopard-skinned twins ASSASSINista and Slavic Slayer made life miserable for McShovin. Ottawa led at the break 97-49.

B-Unit rolled into the second half knowing that a 48-point deficit was significant but not insurmountable. Unfortunately, Rideau Valley seemed able to elevate their game another notch with relentless blocking up until the final whistle each and every jam. Surgical Strike returned in the third jam of the second half to knock Death Cake for Cutie around as D.D.T. used her great quickness inside to score an amazing pure quadruple grand-slam. Soul Rekker followed up going untouched around the outside with 19 of her own as ASSASSINista from the sides and Semi Precious from the front leveled B-Unit skater after skater. D.D.T. sprung silently for another 11 to stretch the lead to 139-55. Three jams later, Fannie Mayhem forced a cut by D.D.T. to give Velvet Assassin, who had been the only B-Unit jammer to score in the second half, a chance to get some points back on a powerjam. But a back block reversed the advantage and with one quarter remaining, B-Unit sat a century back at 161-55.

Frustration began to set in with Pittsburgh as jammers and blockers, fighting for pride, found themselves penalized. Soul Rekker struck the weakened pack for 15 more unanswered points as Semi Precious and Screaming Meanie Massacre took turns dropping the remaining adversaries. A good block by MILF-Shake freed McShovin for only the third lead jam in 20 minutes but an accidental trip by MILF-Shake ended her scoring pass. Soul Rekker enjoyed the Vixens’ fifth powerjam in six jams to score 16 as ASSASSINista definitively took out Mission Impassible. D.D.T. continued her speedy attacks on the inside but a back block sent her off and Velvet Assassin absorbed multiple big hits by Drunky Brewster to earn 10 points on her own powerjam, more than the B-Unit had scored the first 25 minutes of the half. In the final jam, Death Cake for Cutie fired up the crowd and captured lead jam by a nose. Wham Bam Pam and Crushin’ Dior laid good hits on D.D.T. to win the jam 4-3 as time expired. Rideau Valley then hit the road home content with a decisive 212-71 turnabout victory.

The second bout brought all the excitement of a new league’s debut bout. Eerie Rollergirls came down from the Great Lake with lots of heart and enthusiasm and though they wound up losing by a lot, the score did not fully reflect how close much of the bout was. Case in point was the very first jam. High-scoring Blitzburgh Bombers jammer Inga Knee’Her found herself held up by Princess Larvae long enough for Hemorrhoidal Rage to bust through the pack and capture lead jam. Princess Larvae continued good defense and Yuma Target won second lead jam also and the score was tied at 6. The Bombers’ Tooth Fairy, Dakota Slamming, the Kraken, and Enemy Batterfly then got a strong wall together against Mad Flasher as her counterpart Whiskey Mick snuck through several times for a pure triple grand-slam. C.C. DeKill led the next jam’s defense with good hits on Yuma Target in the back as Inga Knee’Her slalomed to 6 points but also an inside track cut. Down 27-6, Meredeath Loosewheel toed the line for a powerjamming chance to narrow the gap but Lolli Pop! caught her at the last second in her initial pass and again in her second attempt and Inga Knee’Her was able to return and grab lead as the fourth whistle blew. Eerie’s Ginger Vixxxen then smacked a big hit on Vicious Virus who took out zebra Great Barrier Ref on the inside. But Dakota Slamming and Unsafe Tex absolutely controlled Mad Flasher on the inside and Cruisin’ B. Anthony scored another 15 points for Blitzburgh. The quick-paced bout saw Blitzburgh with a 46-6 first-quarter lead.

After several more low-scoring close jams, Inga Knee’Her pinballed through for an 8-0 jam and Cruisin’ B. Anthony followed with 14 of her own, shrugging off hits from Smash Bandi-Cute, Ginger Vixxxen, and Princess Larvae. Whiskey Mick and Unsafe Tex continued to execute an inside-controlling strategy while a bird-dogging Enemy Batterfly put multiple hits on the jammer. Overall, the Blitzburgh defense would shut out the Eerie skaters 23 out of 30 jams. Vicious Virus continued the great defensive work with forcing a Mad Flasher track-cut. In the resulting powerjam, Inga Knee’Her scored another 17 as Anni Banani found herself in a goat pen of Vicious Virus, Enemy Batterfly, and the Kraken. Ginger Vixxxen toed the jam line in the penultimate jam of the half, absorbing several hits by Hissy Fit and finding some success with 4 points to Cruisin’ B. Anthony’s 11, but she would not jam again in the bout. To end the half, Tooth Fairy put a nice deke move on the Eerie pivot and then took several punishing trips through the pack for 14 points to stretch the Blitzburgh lead to 115-12.

The story and score of the second half were virtually identical to the first with the Bombers controlling the pace easily and keeping it very fast. A minute in, Enemy Batterfly and Hissy Fit completely kept Yuma Target under wraps as Inga Knee’Her skated a great jam: first scoring 15 points and then joining in on the defense, forcing a finally-freed Yuma Target to “eat the baby” back into the pack. Tooth Fairy then fought her way past DeSEPTICon on a powerjam for 20 unanswered points as Dakota Slamming cleared the front wall for her, pass after pass. Naughty Professor’s good block on a jamming Enemy Batterfly forced a cut and earned a powerjam opportunity for Hemorrhoidal Rage whose tough inside skating was nixed by good defense by Cruisin B’ Anthony to kill the penalty. In the following jam, Eerie had another powerjam where Princess Larvae finally got some second-half points on the board, scoring 7 before Dakota Slamming forced her to cut and go to the box herself. Inga Knee’Her then took advantage of a solo start from the jam line, dodging Anni Banani on the inside and scoring 20 despite Eerie’s attempt to run the pack. With one quarter to go, Blitzburgh led 179-19.

Mad Flasher got on the scoreboard with a 3-point powerjam initiated by good defense by Hemorrhoidal Rage, with further damage controlled by the waterfalling Lolli Pop! and Vicious Virus. Whiskey Mick joined in for 12 points on the Blitzburgh lead jam parade which saw a Steel City skater in control for 13 of the 14 second-half jams. Enemy Batterfly then followed for 9, despite a strong never-say-die effort by Anni Banani that was bettered by the Kraken who kept Ballistic Betty in the pack for the full two minutes. After a defense-minded 9-point jam by Inga Knee’Her, Vicious Virus then grabbed lead thanks to a last-second block from Whiskey Mick on Hemorrhoidal Rage. Despite this, Hemorrhoidal Rage put up a great battle on her scoring pass to score 4 to Vicious Virus’s 8. The final two jams saw Ginger Vixxxen put a huge hit on Tooth Fairy only to see the tough little ping pong ball bounce through for another 10 points. Inga Knee’Her got ten of her own as Dakota Slamming, Lolli Pop!, Vicious Virus, and the Kraken kept up the waterfall that shut out Eerie the final 4 minutes. Despite the 237-26 learning experience, the potential for the new Erie squad’s future success was obvious to all in attendance.

The B-Unit will play Rideau Valley Roller Vixens and the Blitzburgh Bombers will play Eerie Roller Girls.

When: Saturday, May 21, 2011

Where: Romp N’ Roll Skating Rink in Glenshaw, PA

Time: 7:00pm

Price: $10 in advance, $15 at the door

Find a local derby girl or go to brownpapertickets.com to get your tickets now!

The Blitzburgh Bombers were not as lucky, suffering a defeat to Dayton’s Gem City Roller Girls by a final score of 148 – 98, despite an inspiring rally by the Bombers in the second half.  The game was hard fought; the cards were somewhat stacked against the Bombers, one of our SCDD’s B-teams, as they competed gamely against Gem City’s A-team.

The same day, the Blitzburgh Bombers will be in Dayton, OH to take on the Gem City Roller Girls.  Former Gem City skater, and current Bombers bench manager Moxie Crimefighter told this reporter that this game will be a very exciting one!

Wish our girls good luck in the mid-west!

One of the truisms of women’s flat track roller derby in these nascent years is that between the widely varying talent pools and experience of member leagues and the logistics of organizing bouts in manageable distances for the athletes, you sometimes wind up with big mismatches, because you really don’t know until the teams meet up. A rainy Spring evening in Glenshaw, PA saw two such mismatches at Romp ‘n’ Roll, with the Steel City Derby Demons “B” teams on either side of the equation. In the opener, the Blitzburgh Bombers overwhelmed the Ohio Valley Roller Girls by a final of 285-48. In the second bout, the Jersey Shore Roller Girls All-Stars showed the B-Unit who’s “The Boss” with a decisive 207-58 victory.

Ohio Valley started out the first jam against the Bombers in promising fashion. An early track-cut by Blitzburgh jammer Cruisin’ B. Anthony and a good trap by the Ohio Valley blockers on Whiskey Mick set powerjamming Skankasaurus Lex up for the first points of the night. But Cruisin’ B. Anthony returned and speedily cleared the pack as Lolli Pop held Skankasaurus Lex from scoring more. Blitzburgh wound up winning the jam 5-4 and then ran free for most of the rest of the game. Hissy Fit led a strong defense by the Bombers while Inga Knee’Her skated the full two minutes for 12 points to Hot Beef Injection’s 4. Ex-Steel Hurtin’ Kat Von D’stroya skated with a vengeance against her former teammates, grabbing lead jammer but ran into the back of Unsafe Tex while taking an inside lane and went to the box. Whiskey Mick racked up 14 points on the powerjam until Sween Machine ended her run. Blitzburgh led 31-12. Cruisin’ B. Anthony returned to the jam line and lapped the Ohio Valley pack several times virtually untouched as C.C. DeKill led a stifling defense on Debbie Scary resulting in a 19-2 jam. The Bombers’ superior team speed became evident as both a slashing Inga Knee’Her and a needle-threading Tooth Fairy scored 10- and 19-point jams while big hitting from Hissy Fit and Double Destroyer, along with some slippage on the wooden floor, resulted in many Ohio Valley skaters downed. As the midpoint of the first half passed, Blitzburgh led 79-14.

Kat Von D’stroya and Skankasaurus Lex sought to recapture some momentum with a good wall on Inga Knee’Her, drawing a jammer penalty. Lorena Vomit got through for 4 on the powerjam before being stopped by Double Destroyer who forced her own jammer penalty just as the jam clock ended. The Tooth Fairy lined up and was just too quick on the outside, then the inside, then the outside, en route to a 20-point powerjam as Whiskey Mick laid a big hit on the returning Lorena Vomit. Cruisin’ B. Anthony’s speed and balance won her a 14-4 jam over Hot Beef Injection and a 15-0 jam over Debbie Scary who got a lot of the business end of Madame Abagael. In the last jam of the half, Hot Beef Injection put a good move around the outside to both capture lead jammer and take out the Tooth Fairy. Rudie Mental and Baby Lou Tattoo added good defense for a winning jam for Ohio Valley as the halftime whistle blew to see a 140-27 Blitzburgh lead.

Cruisin’ B. Anthony got back to work in the second half, splitting the Rudie Mental and Baby Lou Tattoo uprights of a back wall for 10 points as Whiskey Mick kept Hot Beef Injection in the pack. Unsafe Tex’s dominance of the inside line against Lauren Vomit continued a shutout of Ohio Valley as Whiskey Mick escaped the initial slow-down by Sween Machine and Carrie U Off for 15 more points. Want Ssmoore put a good hit on the speedy Cruisin’ B. Anthony to control a powerjam, but the Blitzburgh skater recovered surprisingly swiftly and was out for another 15 unanswered points until Sween Machine downed her. Inga Knee’Her followed with the largest jam of the night (24 points) as Double Destroyer, the Kraken, and Hissy Fit waterfalled Skankasaurus Lex to complete a third-quarter shutout. Heading into the home stretch, Blitzburgh had extended the lead to 217-27.

Lauren Vomit showed off some fleet feet with a fast move around the outside, dodging hits, as Kat Von D’stroya shut down Inga Knee’Her, 2-0. Cruisin’ B. Anthony answered with 10, however, riding a whip from Double Destroyer past the furiously blocking Kat Von D’stroya. A strong back wall by the Bombers forced a track cut by Skankasaurus Lex and Whiskey Mick capitalized for another 15. New jammers entered both team’s rotations. Vicious Virus found success for the Bombers as her teammates Hissy Fit, Double Destroyer, and the Tooth Fairy shut down Carrie U Off in a 10-0 jam. Sween Machine donned the star and put on a sweet move for lead jammer as Kat Von D’stroya hammered Enemy Batterfly. Sween Machine managed three pure grand-slams in the highest-scoring jam for Ohio Valley and, as time ticked down, you could see the younger team adjusting successfully. Lorena Vomit led damage control against the much larger Inga Knee’Her who still managed 10 points because of Trippin’ Daisy and Whiskey Mick’s lockdown of Hot Beef Injection in the pack. The final jam saw more of Cruisin’ B. Anthony’s speed as she ended the scoring with another 15 points as Skankasaurus Lex could not escape the pack. The final lopsided score was 285-48.

The Jersey Shore Roller Girls All-Stars unveiled a very tight, solid “Welcome to Asbury Park” right from the initial whistle against the B-Unit. Showing she was “Born to Run,” Ciri L. Killer set the tone early and often with a lightning-fast outside move around Tower O’Terror and a quick 4-0 score. AC Skater put the kibosh on Fannie Mayhem as Push Popp banged out her own 5-0. AC Skater would go on to “Prove It All Night,” leading an amazing Jersey Shore pack defense which would shut out B-Unit in two-thirds of the evening’s 38 brief jams. After M8T followed suit with a 6-0 jam as her teammates Black Eye Betty and Kimbo Slice-Her shut down McShovin, B-Unit called a timeout with the score 16-0. B-Unit appeared to regain some momentum after the break as Death Cake for Cutie escaped the clutches of Whippin’ Wheels and AC Skater by virtue of a 20-foot call, getting B-Unit on the board with 7 points before AC Skater slapped a “Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out” on her. Ciri L. Killer banged out another 8-0 with another outside “E Street Shuffle” around Tower O’Terror as Hotrod Hussy kept Fannie Mayhem in the pack. Two jams later, Ciri L. Killer found her powerjam opportunity being effectively killed by Miss Ill. Her blockers, however, successfully managed a “death trap/suicide rap,” one of dozens on the evening, against MILF-Shake and Jersey Shore hammered another 9 unanswered points onto their 39-7 lead. A B-Unit powerjam as the fifteen-minute mark passed led to 10 points from McShovin, muted by good penalty-killing work from AC Skater and Push Popp. The 22-point deficit would never get closer, however.

After a Jersey Shore time-out, the visiting team returned to solid pack control and quick jams as the penalties began to pile up against B-Unit, but perhaps not as high as expected by the vocal bench and knowledgeable visiting fans from “Across The Border.” Good offensive blocking by Jersey Violet and a great little hop by M8T led to a double grand-slam on a powerjam. Ciri L. Killer won lead on all her jams in the first half and cranked out another 6 as Toast Face Killah showed she was “Tougher Than The Rest” with multiple big hits on Fannie Mayhem. Four minors gave Push Popp a trip to the sin bin but Velvet Assassin discovered that “When You’re Alone” behind a back wall of Kimbo Slice-Her, AC Skater, Jersey Violet, and Hotrod Hussy, you don’t get any points. As halftime neared, Ciri L. Killer’s outside moves left her untouched, like a “Spirit In The Night,” stretching the lead to 82-23 on yet another powerjam. Push Popp lined up alone for the last jam of the half but, despite a goat pen leaving Tower O’Terror “Trapped,” her own jammer penalty freed Fannie Mayhem to strike for 8 unanswered points, offering “No Surrender” while absorbing hits, and closed the gap to 82-31.

B-Unit began the second half “Countin’ On A Miracle” but a McShovin track-cut on just the second turn set the tone for the next 10 minutes which was almost entirely a powerjam situation for Jersey Shore. Crushin’ Dior found herself the next victim of the relentless Jersey Shore goat pens and Black Eye Betty gave a friendly shove to M8T “like a freight train running through the middle” of the front wall to free her for a second scoring drive and 10 more points. Toast Face Killah caught Death Cake for Cutie in a footrace and then forced a back block leading to an unfortunate series of penalties for the passionate B-Unit jammer, whose “Hungry Heart” returned her to the box two more times as Push Popp and M8T combined for 30 more points. Incredible pack control by Jersey Shore shattered every attempt at a wall by B-Unit and will likely lead to many “Glory Days” to come if they can keep up that pace against ranked competition. Big hits by Hotrod Hussy on Tower O’Terror and Jersey Violet on Crushin’ Dior cleared an “I’m On Fire” M8T for the biggest jam of the night, 22 points and a 161-36 lead with still a quarter to skate.

B-Unit seemed to get their penalties under control for the final fifteen and, as those can be “Your Own Worst Enemy,” produced their best quarter of the bout. Death Cake for Cutie managed 9 points to Hotrod Hussy’s 10 despite yet another big hit from AC Skater. As that jam ended, an ugly pileup at the back of the pack was determined by the officials to have been caused by Jersey Shore’s Rollin Rican and she and a teammate left the track setting McShovin up against Ciri L. Killer and a 4-2 blocker advantage. Atomic Bombino and Crushin’ Dior gave some “Trouble In Paradise” to Ciri L. Killer and McShovin won the jam 9-4. After a couple of low-scoring jams, the charismatic Death Cake for Cutie fired up the subdued Pittsburgh crowd and took off on “a last chance power drive” grabbing lead jammer. But her aggressive passing sent her to the box proving “You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)” and Push Popp capitalized for a 20-point exclamation point on the evening “Because The Night” belonged to Jersey Shore, 207-58.

The Blitzburgh Bombers will play The Ohio Valley Roller Girls and the B-Unit will play the Jersey Shore Roller Girls.  Snooki may or may not be there, we can’t say for sure.

When: Saturday, April 16, 2011

Where: Romp n’ Roll Skating Rink, Glenshaw PA

Time: 7:00 pm

Price: $1o in advance, $15 at the door.

Get your tickets now!