The Steel Hurtin’ returned to their home track of Romp ‘n’ Roll in Glenshaw, PA after placing fourth overall in the Eastern Region, their highest finish ever, to take on the Wildfires of the San Diego Derby Dolls – the only team to be ranked on both flat track and banked track – in the last bout of the season. San Diego has been making a point to visit many of the top teams in derby – Windy City, Rocky Mountain, Carolina – in a strategy that paid off for London who captured enough valuable experience in one year to surprise the league the next. The Wildfires led through the first quarter but Steel Hurtin’ came roaring back with an 85-0 run in the second half to win the hard-hitting, furiously-paced battle, 223-101. In the first bout of the night, the Rubber City Roller Girls made the trip in from Akron, Ohio to take on the B-Unit, hoping for better returns than last year’s defeat in the Blitzburgh Bombers’ inaugural bout. In a defense-dominated, slow and physical bout, Rubber City held a lead up until two minutes to go in the first half and then B-Unit took control to an eventual 97-67 victory.

The opening match set a tone early of slow packs keeping the jammers under wraps. Standout performances by Rubber City’s Scum Dog, Red Bruzher, Imma Be Tolley, and Jackie O’Sassin and B-Unit’s Tower O’Terror, Wham Bam Pam, MILFshake, and the debuting Auntie Establishment kept the scoring low through the first 9 minutes, after which B-Unit led 12-7 thanks to a grand-slam from McShovin. Then, Akron’s Punisher Pixie, who lived up to her name with big hits despite her small stature, forced a track cut on McShovin. Jackie O’Sassin took advantage of the powerjam, following great clearing blocks by Mae B. Hazardous to deke through the shorthanded B-Unit pack for 18 points and a sudden 25-12 lead for Rubber City. Three jams later, McShovin found lead jammer snatched away at the last second by a block from Jackie O’Sassin who then drew a back block sending the B-Unit jammer to the box again as Eighty SixHer added 9 points increasing the lead at the midpoint of the half to 36-15.

Stella Bruise continued the powerjam, shrugging off a hit from MILFshake to give Rubber City its biggest lead of the night at 41-15. B-Unit would turn things around for the remainder of the half, however, only allowing 3 more points before the break, switching from a back wall defense to a front wall. After London Blitz got Steel City 4 points closer, sMelU took to the jam line for her Pittsburgh debut. On turn two, she worked a great inside tightrope for lead as Cruisin’ B. Anthony took out Stella Bruise who could never escape a pack led by Tower O’Terror and Wham Bam Pam. sMelU worked past the tough positional defense of Saucy Minxx and relentless hitting of Punisher Pixie to get 4 more. It was another Steel City debut skater, Public Emily, whose fast moves netted a 10-3 jam to bring B-Unit within 11 points with 6 minutes to go. With the score at 44-36, Ina Gadda Da Beatcha and Busty Brawler put good hits on the Akron captain, DeadEye HuntHer, eventually sending the jammer to the box and setting up McShovin for a powerjam. But great defense from Punisher Pixie and Mae B. Hazardous never allowed the speedy B-Unit jammer to escape the pack. With DeadEye HuntHer still in the box to begin the next jam, the veteran Cruisin’ B. Anthony toed the line, seemingly always in place to grab a lead change this season. Just as expected, the former Ithaca SufferJet came through for 12 points as MILFshake and Wham Bam Pam put good work on DeadEye HuntHer’s return, sending her back to the sin bin with a forced track cut. With just a minute remaining, London Blitz dodged Punisher Pixie and a light pack for a grand-slam and a halftime score of 53-44 in favor of B-Unit.

After the break, defense from both teams again rose to the forefront. DeadEye HuntHer and Auntie Establishment took turns taking out opposing jammers while the pairs of Mae B. Hazardous and Punisher Pixie for Akron and Wham Bam Pam and Busty Brawler for Pittsburgh held great positioning in tight packs and after almost 13 minutes the score had only increased to 60-44, which, including the end of the first half, meant a 20-minute shutout run for B-Unit. Ina Gadda Da Beatcha then mercilessly hip checked Stella Bruise to the outside and booty blocked her right in the middle of the track while McShovin unleashed 14 points which seemed like 114 in such a low scoring bout and the B-Unit lead was up to 76-44. Scum Dog’s quick moves through the pack got Rubber City back in the scoring but with just a quarter remaining, B-Unit led 77-46.

With Jackie O’Sassin cooling her wheels in the penalty box for a track cut, London Blitz sought to run up some points but great defense by Valiant Vixen kept the damage to only 5 points on the powerjam. Three jams later, Cruisin’ B. Anthony took a pair of 4-0 jams: the first, pinballing and sliding through a full pack; the second, defeating a 3-1 blocker disadvantage by beating Stella Bruise in a sprint through a no-pack start. With 7 minutes remaining, down 92-48, Rubber City began to mount a comeback. With 10 skaters finally on the track, Jackie O’Sassin won a 4-2 and Stella Bruise followed with a 4-0 as a great block by DeadEye HuntHer recycled McShovin way to the back. In the final jam, down by 39, Punisher Pixie jammed for the first time and used her great speed for 9 points as Mae B. Hazardous continually forced Public Emily to the outside. But the strategy change came too late and B-Unit closed out their season with a 97-67 victory over the much-improved Akronites.

The San Diego Derby Dolls psyched themselves up for a big time upset by slapping each other across the face and then building up a massive “We don’t need no water, let the Wildfires burn!” chant. And indeed, it looked like this would be their night in the early going. After getting help from opposing jammer Kiki Diazz, Steel Hurtin’s Mean Burrito overcame a star sock malfunction and a big knockdown to take a 2-1 lead after one jam. But the Wildfires’ Kung Pow Tina’s fast moves on the inside combined with a truck malfunction for ‘snot rocket science to take the lead for San Diego at 4-2 which could have been much worse as Kung Pow Tina had not detected that ‘snot rocket science was going one-legged boarder-style through the clear part of the track. O.B. Noxious put big hits on The Crippler and eventually drew a back block to set up the first powerjam of the night for the Wildfires. Despite a big hit from Athena, recycling her far to the back, Heidi Evidence was able to score 9 against a light Steel Hurtin’ pack and open up San Diego’s lead to 13-3. O.B. Noxious then donned the star to score 8 more as ‘snot rocket science found herself with more skate trouble. But the Steel Hurtin’s experience showed as captain and pivot Ally McKill took the star pass from the one-legged jammer and equaled the 8 points as J-Bomb kept O.B. Noxious from any further scoring. The Crippler stretched the pack, passing Derby Dolls blockers one by one as damage dahl cleared her for a 4-0 scoring pass. Then Madame Abagael led a goat pen on Punk N. Da’Trunk to free Mean Burrito for lead jam while Death Cake for Cutie cleared the center for a 4-0 jam and the gap was closed to 22-19 with about 16 minutes to go in the half.

Steel Hurtin’ got their first powerjam as damage dahl forced O.B. Noxious to cut the track. Kung Pow Tina and Isabelle Ringer killed the penalty well, however, forcing The Crippler to the inside and long trips to the back of the pack. Still, the svelte skater pressed into jammer duty was able to take the lead for Steel Hurtin’ at 23-22. Double Destroyer then continued the good offensive blocking for Pittsburgh, freeing ‘snot rocket science for another 4-0. A last second block by San Diego co-captain Slamurai kept Mean Burrito from lead jammer and then drew a back block setting Kiki Diazz up for a powerjam and a chance for the Wildfires to get the lead back. After four points, however, Kiki Diazz went to the box for her own back block and Mean Burrito shot out for the first double-digit jam of the night and a 37-26 lead. Kung Pow Tina got lead jam and a grand-slam back for the Wildfires as a great back wall of Isabelle Ringer, Jean Slay, Some Brero, and Lemon Drop held ‘snot rocket science in check. But the jam timbre changed quickly as Bonecrusher forced a cut from Kung Pow Tina and ‘snot rocket science slid through the wall, now reformed at the pack’s front, with a signature half-turn backward-skating maneuver drawing roars from the crowd and netting 13 points on the powerjam. Penalties continued to keep the pack light with 6 minutes to go. Bonecrusher and Athena’s big hits on Heidi Evidence on the outside were equaled by O.B. Noxious’s hits on The Crippler on the inside, eventually forcing a track cut. The jam ended 8-8 with San Diego still with a couple seconds remaining in the powerjam. Kiki Diazz took lead and got 3 more before The Crippler returned, only to be taken out in a frightening low leg whip from Slamurai which left the Steel Hurtin’ veteran down in obvious pain. After a long and tense time-out, The Crippler left the field of play smiling and shin-iced, with the lead for Steel Hurtin’ at 62-42 with 3 minutes remaining. A fired-up ‘snot rocket science took on a starting no-pack mere inches in front of the jam line, rolling around a block by Punk N. Da’Trunk with assistance from Athena to stay upright and in bounds, again dodging through the pack backwards for a triple grand-slam the hard way. San Diego stayed tough through the final jam of the half, however, as Jean Slay, O.B. Noxious, and Some Brero waterfalled Mean Burrito for several passes as Kung Pow Tina got 5 back to end the half with a close 77-47 lead for Steel Hurtin’.

The second half continued the close battle at first. Mean Burrito bolted to daylight for 9 points as Bonecrusher gave Kung Pow Tina the business all along the outside. ‘snot rocket science followed, forcing Kiki Diazz to “eat the baby” after getting lead. Good defense by Redrum held ‘snot rocket science to just one scoring pass, however and the lead was 86-47. Mean Burrito then tried to play some jammer-on-jammer defense on Kung Pow Tina but the plan backfired as the San Diego jammer escaped through for 14 points as Isabelle Ringer dogged Mean Burrito and kept her in the pack for the full two minutes. ‘snot rocket science then racked up another 13, dodging for lead jammer, as Kiki Diazz got 4 of her own, surprisingly winning a David-Goliath collision against Athena. The Crippler returned to a big hand but also to big recycling blocks by Kiki Diazz and Isabelle Ringer as O.B. Noxious scored 9 before having to head to the box. With the pack lightened as more and more Wildfires burned in the hole, The Crippler got the 9 back. Mean Burrito then hopped and dodged through her own powerjam for 15 points, the final grand-slam coming after an amazing full-stop-to-a-tiptoe move to avoid a stopped San Diego back wall itching to draw a penalty. In the next jam, as ‘snot rocket science went to the box, Kiki Diazz was able to score a triple grand-slam herself as Isabelle Ringer and Some Brero goated damage dahl and with 15 minutes to go, the game was still in question as Steel Hurtin’ led 127-89.

The last quarter would be another story, however, as the Steel Hurtin’ coaches BArf and Buttmouth made great adjustments and penalties caught on like dry brush for the Wildfires. Kiki Diazz went to the box at the end of a 4-0 win for ‘snot rocket science and in an inspiring moment, Cheeseburger took to the jam line alone, having fought her way all season against breast cancer. Cheeseburger put on great moves, skating untouched to the outside, drawing whiffs from Slamurai and Heidi Evidence, and scoring 16 huge points. Mean Burrito’s mega-hyper, no-quit feet, like a football running back pushing through a goal line stand, got herself lead jam as Kiki Diazz returned only to be sent right back. Athena and Double Destroyer ran a trap in the back and Mean Burrito cashed in 22 points. Madame Abagael then drew a back block from Heidi Evidence and ‘snot rocket science slipped and spun through the stopped pack for another 20-point powerjam. Double Destroyer then played the same card against Isabelle Ringer, who, after watching Mean Burrito score another 18, returned only to immediately be sent back at the end of the jam for another back block against Athena. The Crippler then continued the never ending powerjam, riding a clearing block from Death Cake for Cutie (like Bastian riding Falkor? too deep a reference?) until a good hit from Kiki Diazz recycled her to the back of the pack. Bonecrusher took out a pair of San Diego blockers on The Crippler’s 5-0 scoring pass but play then stopped for an injured Punk N. Da’Trunk who appeared to be ok after a brief breather. When play continued, the visibly frustrated Isabelle Ringer shot out of the box and grabbed lead with some slick moves to end an incredible 85-0 Steel Hurtin’ run with a 5-4 jam. The final two minutes stayed even with J-Bomb answering a 1-second remaining timeout by San Diego by immediately calling off the final jam after getting lead. While the 223-101 final score does not accurately reflect how close 75% of the bout was, it was a satisfyingly strong victory to end the most successful season to date for the continually improving Steel Hurtin’.

Name:

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Position(s): Blocker/Pivot/Not Jammer

Committee Involvement: PR Committee (co-head) and Creative Committee (member)

Athletic Background: none

Origin of Skater Name: An anti-establishment view or belief is one which stands in opposition to the conventional social, political, and economic principles of a society.
 Also, I’m an Auntie!

Day Job: Pittsburgh City Council staffer

Favorite Foods: fried tofu, curry, and all salty snacks.

Hobbies: gardening, knitting, playing with my cats & dog, home improvement, and travel

Tidbit: Auntie Establishment was a member of the B-Unit and Steel Hurtin’ before taking time off from derby in 2009. She returned to derby in 2011 and is thrilled to be back on the B-Unit!

Name:

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Position(s): Blocker

Committee Involvement: Public Relations (Head) and Merchandise (Co-Head)

Athletic Background: Gymnastics, Ballet, Skiing, Running, Skateboarding, and Tennis

Origin of Skater Name: David Bowie and myself

Hobbies: Collecting vinyl records, traveling, supporting my local music scene, reading especially historical biographies of infamous women and men, baking cheesecakes, and cooking large amounts of food

Weird Quirks: I am ALWAYS late and I only eat with small utensils (big forks and spoons weird me out)

Favorite Quotes: “All which is beautiful and noble is the result of reason and calculation.” and “Nothing can be done except little by little.”

Team Affiliation: B-Unit – Captain 2011

Position(s): Pivot

Committee Involvement: Disciplinary (Co-Head) and Public Relations (Member)

Awards Received/Nominated for: Nominated for Funniest and Most Penalties, Won B-Unit MVP – Pivot

Day Job:  Medical billing and nursing student

Favorite Food: Sushi

Tidbit: Tallest lady on the league 

Name: sMel U

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Committee Involvement: Public Relations and Recruitment (Member)

Athletic Background: I practically grew up in a roller skating rink, having nearly every childhood birthday party at United Skates of America in Ohio (where I’m from). Throughout the years, I have participated in ballet, gymnastics, figure skating, softball, cheerleading and dance teams, and track and cross country. I’ve always wanted to be a boxer, but I don’t do so well getting hit in the face.

Origin of Skater Name: My nieces call me Auntie Smell (my nickname is Mel). I honestly cannot remember how it started. Plus, the phrase “smell you later” cracks me up.

Day Job: Freelance blogger and copywriter

Favorite Foods: Cheese, craft beer, cereal, sandwiches, Pad Thai, and poutine.

Most hated foods: olives, sweet potatoes and beets. Seriously, don’t ever feed these to me.

Hobbies: Camping, kayaking, yoga, collecting old musical whiskey decanters, and caring for two rescue cats (Rudy & Chelsea). I also love road trips, and taking my picture with statues and random roadside attractions. I’ll call my shoe and vintage coat obsession a “hobby” too.

Weird Quirks: I am always early (if I’m driving) — like, really early. Being late really stresses me out. I like to sit Indian style, even in my desk chair. If I’m awake, there is always something covering my feet — socks, slippers, shoes, skates — I cannot stand walking around in bare feet.

Name: Public Emily

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Position(s): Blocker and Jammer

Committee Involvement: Practice Coordination and Safety (Member)

Origin of Name: Comes from a combination of Public Enemy #1 & my real name.

Day Job: E.M.T. for Butler Ambulance Service

Name: Mission Impassible

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Position(s): Blocker,  Pivot

Committee Involvement: Board of Directors 2011, Practice Coordination (Head), Safety and Human Resources (Member)

Awards Received/Nominated for: Best Attendance 2008, Most Improved 2009

Name: Miss ill

Team Affiliation: B-Unit – Captain 2010 and half of 2011

Position(s): Blocker

Committee Involvement: Safety (Head), Finance and Disciplinary (Member), SCDD Representative for the WFTDA Risk Management Committee

Awards Received/Nominated for: Won MVP – Blocker for the B-Unit in 2010

Name: MILFshake

Team: B-Unit – Co-Captain 2011

Position(s): Blocker

Committee Involvement: Merchandise and Bout Production (Member)

Athletic Background: Played deck hockey, basketball and was a cheerleader at one point!

Origin of Skater Name: Muahahahaha!!!

Day Job: Associate Financial Representative

Favorite Food: Extra Dirty Martinis

Favorite Quote: I Love It When a Flower Grows Through a Crack In The Concrete…Its So F*cking Heroic

Name: McShovin

Team Affiliation: B-Unit

Position(s): Jammer

Awards Received/Nominated for: Won Joker in the Pack 2008 and 2009, B-Unit Jammer MVP 2009 and 2010.  Nominated for Rink Rat 2008, Most Improved 2009, and Highest Scoring Jammer 2010

Athletic Background: Played soft ball as an awkward 5th and 6th grader and was bad at it as I was completely disinterested.

Origin of Skater Name: Fonda Bruises said I look like “McLovin” from Superbad so she told me my name should be “McShovin” and it stuck.

Day Job: Registered Nurse

Children: Josie Cat

Hobbies: Sewing, the Arts, History

Special Talents: SCDD Webmaster, Kitty Enthusiast, the Liz Lemon of Roller Derby