by Michael Frighten’d

The Pittsburgh-Cleveland sports rivalry is generally overstated. In football, it’s more of an acceptance of one-sided bullying by the Steelers over the Browns than a true competitive rivalry. In other major professional sports, either one city or the other doesn’t even have a team or they’re in different leagues and rarely play one another in any games at all, much less of significance. Further debunking the concept, the Burning River All-Stars and NEO’s (North-East Ohio) Audio Assault crossed the state line to Glenshaw, PA on June 19th to challenge the Steel Hurtin’ and Blitzburgh Bombers in two bouts exhibiting some of the most genuine warmth, friendliness, and mutually respectful sportsmanship one could ever see at a competition. While the final scores, 195-35 Blitzburgh and 225-62 Steel Hurtin’, were ultimately lopsided in favor of Pittsburgh, the Ohio teams never lost their good spirit. It’s time to bury the “heated rivalry” cliche.

Another packed house of black-clad derby fans braved a torrential rainstorm to welcome back a short-handed Blitzburgh Bombers team recently returned from a loss in Buffalo. Five skaters from B-Unit filled out the roster along with the premiere of Steel City skater Cruisin’ B. Anthony, who toed the line as Blitzburgh’s first jammer versus Rosa Mariposa from NEO’s Audio Assault. The rookie struck for a triple grand-slam while teammate Attaxl Rose put the clamps down on Rosa Mariposa. Blitzburgh jammers McShovin and Death Cake for Cutie followed with powerjams of 13 and 19, respectfully, speeding virtually contact-free through a NEO pack that tried to keep the pace slow. C.C. DeKill kept up the defensive control by Blitzburgh while Miss Ill lived up to her name by launching herself at NEO skaters for crushing hits. Halfway through the first half the score was 55-3 Blitzburgh.

Monty Pipe Bomb captured the first lead jam for NEO, with a nifty move to dodge Vicious Virus to cap a grand slam. But the NEO strategy of using slow packs at a distance behind the Blitzburgh line did not work as McShovin, Cruisin’ B. Anthony, Elsie Thudd, and Dakota Slamming all tallied double-digit jams, many lasting the full two minutes. The agile Blitzburgh star-bearers had little problem with the static phalanx of blockers while the Ohio scorers found themselves tangled in the strong Blitzburgh defense which included a mighty double take-out by C.C. DeKill. In the final jam of the half, which was only the tenth, Monty Pipe Bomb had to crawl off the track and seek medical assistance for an apparent leg injury after scoring 4 points to bring the halftime score to Blitzburgh 113, NEO 13.

The second half saw Monty Pipe Bomb return, none the worse for wear, while the masked jammer, Moxie Crimefighter continued the Blitzburgh domination, scoring 14 points despite taking a big hit from BF Goodbytch. Attaxl Rose kept up great defense, successfully taking on two or three NEO blockers at a time and freeing Cruisin’ B. Anthony for another big score of 19 points. NEO’s Vanity Scare had an excellent last-ditch block of Death Cake for Cutie, but the swift Blitzburgh jammer recovered to continue a streak of twelve straight wins of lead jammer. The half reached the ten-minute mark with the score 158-18.

McShovin then followed big blocks by Miss Ill to skate for a 16 so quickly her referee had a hard time keeping up with her, bringing the lead to 150 points as Hurt So Good scored 6 for NEO’s highest point jam. The NEO defense had a good final quarter. SinMon-Sugah lost the capture of lead jam to Death Cake for Cutie by an eyelash but took out her taller rival to keep Blitzburgh off the board. Cross Bone Cutie and Bouncing Betty also forced premature endings to Blitzburgh jams with big hits while Rosa Mariposa avoided a massive pileup to take lead jammer and score 4. Outscoring Blitzburgh 7-6 over four jams, the streak came to an end as Dakota Slamming powerjammed to a triple grand-slam. In the final jam of the bout, Hurt So Good forced a cut for C.C. DeKill and Monty Pipe Bomb scored 4 to make the final Blitzburgh 195, NEO 35.

In the second bout of the night, Steel Hurtin’, returning from a victorious trip to Houston, and the Burning River Roller Girls skated at a chaotically fast pace in sharp contrast to the earlier bout. The early jams were quick with controlled scoring except for a series of powerjams. Hurricane Heather for Steel Hurtin’ and Take-Out for Burning River traded penalty trips twice with the end result of Heather scoring 10 and 18 before Burning River could get on the board thanks to the usual good defense of Athena and Ally McKill. “It may be thunder and lightning outside,” quipped announcer Buddy Lee, “but it’s all Hurricane in here.” With the early score 35-3, Pittsburgh, Punkd Pixie began a powerjam to try to close the gap, but Steel Hurtin’ blockers Damage Dahl, J-Bomb, WhipSmart! and Helen Fire shut her down completely until Burning River employed NEO’s zone-spreading strategy to free Punkd Pixie on the 20-foot rule. Her 9 points brought the Steel Hurtin’ lead down to 23, which was the closest Burning River would get this night. Steel Hurtin’ rattled off some brief successful jams and the score sat at 52-13 at the 15-minute mark.

Defense stayed solid and consistent for Steel Hurtin’ for the rest of the half and was at times spectacular. J-Bomb, using a low, strong push to the inside took out two larger Burning River blockers, Dagney Taghurt and Ivanna Destroya, at once. Athena continued to be a jammer’s worst nightmare, keeping Professor Booty from getting through the pack, and then taking her out along with CoCo Sparx in one big block. Cheeseburger took advantage of Athena’s domination to score a double grand-slam and as the half wound down, the Steel Hurtin’ scoring surged. Hurricane Heather sped through wide lanes created by J-Bomb, Ally McKill, and Girl Rolla Warfare to score 21 while the Crippler took advantage of two penalties by opposing jammer CoCo Sparx to score 18. Kat Von Destroya skated through a Burning River pack lightened by 20-foot penalties for 14 and in the final jam of the half, Damage Dahl set up a good hit by WhipSmart! forcing Burning River jammer Take-Out to cut the track. Cheeseburger enjoyed that powerjam to the tune of 19 points, bringing the first half to a close at 141-20 Steel Hurtin’.

The second half began with some big hits. A flying CoCo Sparx drove Girl Rolla Warfare way out of bounds. In answer, Bonecrusher took out Take-Out spectacularly as she tried to make her first pass through the pack. Burning River changed up their strategy and attempted several times to free-up their jammers by letting the Steel Hurtin’ four-wide line slip ahead further than 20 feet from them. Coach BArf responded by splitting the Pittsburgh blockers into two in front and two behind the Cleveland pack. Still, the pace change seemed to be benefitting Burning River as they outscored Steel Hurtin’ 17-16 over the first 7 jams of the half. In a great jam, Steel Hurtin’ jammer ‘Snot Rocket Science withstood a good hit from Morbid Cherub to deke past Ivanna Destroya to capture lead jam while her counterpart CoCo Sparx shook off hits by Ally McKill and Girl Rolla Warfare. But another big block by Bonecrusher sent Soul Eater spinning and Steel Hurtin’ came out 14 points ahead. As the fifteen-minute mark passed, a back block major by the Killustrator gave Kat Von Destroya another powerjam which she cashed in for another 14. With three-quarters of the bout done, the score was 189-37.

Skating in slower and sometimes stopped packs, CoCo Sparx blocked with reckless abandon, but she and her teammates could not solve the Steel Hurtin’ defense, going seven jams without scoring. Meanwhile the Pittsburgh jammers kept up a controlled steady pace of 4- and 5-point jams. The blue-clad Burning River Girls used good trapping defense on Girl Rolla Warfare and WhipSmart! to finally free CoCo Sparx to score a double grand-slam. Unfortunately in the same jam, Hurricane Heather just blew through the slow packs for 15. Not discouraged at all by an impossible gap to close, the Killustrator captured lead jammer with a good move around Damage Dahl, blowing kisses to the visiting Cleveland fans as time ticked down. So it was with a smile and a victory lap for both teams that the bout came to a final conclusion of 225-62.