by Michael Frighten’d

Philadelphia, the fourth-ranked league in the nation, along with a large contingent of dedicated fans rode the Pennsylvania Turnpike west to take on the Steel City Derby Demons on July 17th at Glenshaw’s Romp ‘n’ Roll. On a blazingly hot day, the Independence Dolls soundly defeated the heretofore unbeaten B-Unit 142-28 and the Liberty Belles defeated the Steel Hurtin’ 161-63 in a bout more evenly-matched than indicated by the final score. Underdogs in both bouts, the Pittsburgh squads showed remarkable resilience and heart despite the long odds.

The B-Unit went into the first bout of the night against the red-liveried Independence Dolls with plenty of experience in one-sided matches. Unfortunately on this night, they’d have to taste how it felt on the other side. The larger and faster Dolls asserted themselves early and never relinquished momentum until the end. The B-Unit jammers could not escape the initial crimson walls of Mary That Motha OH GOD!, Rollanya Asse, and Copper Top. Meanwhile Doll Jammers Annie Christ and P.M.S. showed a complete game of speedy scoring and strong blocking as well and the score was quickly 22-0. Despite Philly’s Antidote all up in her business at the jam line, Fannie Mayhem broke the shutout with 6 points. Unfortunately that would be 75% of the team’s scoring for the half. With Copper Top knocking B-Unit all over the place, Rollanya Asse personifying a nightmare for the usually top-scoring McShovin, and the very speedy Annie Christ and Alessa Evil shooting through the pack, a 35-6 Independence Dolls lead midway through the half seemed insurmountable.

The B-Unit defense reasserted itself with Tower O Terror launching Velvet Assassin to take out Leggs Benedict and keep her off the scoreboard. But jammer P.M.S. took out her opposite number, Death Cake for Cutie, and gave the visiting Philadelphians a victory dance. These very knowledgeable and extremely vocal Philly fans brought a competitive intensity that hasn’t been seen at Romp ‘n’ Roll this season. Their schadenfreude toward the overmatched B-Unit was a jarring contrast to the usual camaraderie found at Derby Demon bouts. They had plenty to jeer at, as Antidote shot past pivot Busty Brawler caught looking over the wrong shoulder, Rollanya Asse laid multiple big hits on McShovin, and Wendy Whiplash closed out the half scoring 24 points on a 3-woman advantage to bring the score to 86-8.

The second half continued with total pack control by the Independence Dolls. Each jam featured a relentless series of bumps causing the B-Unit jammers to always be catching up, and never getting much momentum. It always seemed like a bird-dogging blocker was just ahead waiting for them to make a move. Copper Top and Feisty Psyche laid good hits left and right. P.M.S. took out both Busty Brawler and her own jammer, Shannanigan, but the scarlet star was quicker to her skates and still captured lead jam and 5 points. Annie Christ tripped up Death Cake for Cutie in the next jam and Feisty Psyche knocked through another 9. With Velvet Assassin trapped in the back, StingRay built up a head of steam for a double grand slam. Then with three of B-Unit in the box, Annie Christ sacrificed her body to trip up the remaining 2-woman wall of Mission Impassible and Busty Brawler from behind to free LaiYa Out Ali for a double grand slam of her own. With 10 minutes to go, the score was 121-8.

The last quarter of the bout, the B-Unit was finally able to make some adjustments. With lots of penalties on both sides, McShovin, Fannie Mayhem, and Death Cake for Cutie capitalized on powerjams to score 4, 5, and 4, respectively. The svelte Death Cake for Cutie, visibly relieved, skated her familiar long-lean around the turns. The final jam of the bout featured an inspired McShovin speeding through the pack as her nemesis Rollanya Asse was taken out on a big hit by Tower O Terror. McShovin’s 7 completed a 20-6 run by B-Unit as time expired with the final: Independence Dolls 142, B-Unit 28.

The blue-clad Liberty Belles pealed out a claxon the moment the music between bouts ended. “We are… Phil-ly!” sounded thrice in the sudden silence and moments afterward their skaters would capture the audience’s attention just as clearly. Philadelphia established early that their front wall, led by Sunshine Skate and Shenita Stretcher, was going to control the pace of the bout. They shut out the first three Steel Hurtin’ jammers ‘Snot Rocket Science, the Shocker, and Cheeseburger in succession while their own jammers Mo Pain, Ginger Vitis, and Persephone speedily captured leads and took a 19-0 lead. The Crippler put a great move on Castro to become Steel Hurtin’s first lead jammer but an ill-timed skate malfunction blew the scoring opportunity.

‘Snot Rocket Science, skating like she had decided to take the team on her back, burst around the wall on the outside and then hopped over a block to score 10 points and halve the gap while Philly’s Ivana Rock had her own equipment issues. At this point the game started to get rough with two to four skaters seemingly in the box jam after jam. Cheeseburger struck for 8 in the looser packs but Shenita Stretcher tallied 18. The Liberty Belles were able to kill off powerjams with speed and shorthanded walls holding back Steel Hurtin’ jammers while Steel Hurtin’ countered by following Athena’s lead, pulling back to slow down skaters returning in-bounds. As the fifteen-minute mark passed the score was 47-18 Philadelphia.

The Shocker, scoring 9 on a powerjam, mistakenly tried to call it off as the speedy Persephone reentered, and her penalty set up Persephone for a powerjam in return. The blazing Liberty Belle capitalized by racking up 19 points through a wide split pack. To add injury to insult, upon Shocker’s return, she got banged near the throat by a teammate and struggled on the floor for a time to regain her breath. She would not return until midway through the second half.

With the score 67-27, Cheeseburger rolled off a blow by rival jammer Gloria Grindem to speed down the inside and grab lead but again was stymied by the Philadelphia wall and had to call it off after only scoring a point. In another long and eventful jam, Shenita Stretcher split the front to capture lead while Sunshine Skate and Olivia Face kept ‘Snot Rocket Science entrenched in the middle of the pack. Castro, flying back in after retying some laces, nailed the nimble Pittsburgh jammer hard, hard enough to go to the box. The jam ended with Shenita Stretcher joining her, setting Pittsburgh up for a much-needed powerjam.

Again, fate worked against the Steel Hurtin’. The Crippler found herself driven at least fifteen feet out of play which, while allowing her to reenter without a cutting penalty, denied her lead jammer. So when Shenita Stretcher came out of the box, the jam was called with no damage done to Philadelphia’s lead. The lightning-fast Persephone blew through the backing-up defense to score 15 on a powerjam and ‘Snot Rocket Science followed with 8 on a powerjam of her own and the halftime score sat at 86-36 in favor of the Liberty Belles.

Steel Hurtin’ coaches BArf and Temporary Sanity unveiled a new strategy for the second half focused on brief jams. ‘Snot Rocket Science won two quick ones, skating the tightrope of the sidelines and putting a good move on Ivana Rock before getting blown out like a candle by birthday girl Heavy Flo. The gap closed to 46 points. Sacrificing penalties for big hits, the Philly blockers cleared a path for Summer Assault to score four and get the lead back to 50. While the Philly pack focused their attention on working Athena over, her co-captain Bonecrusher laid out Euro Thrash to spring Cheeseburger for 9. Then, despite Heavy Flo riding her turn after turn, ‘Snot Rocket Science scored a few more to narrow the lead to 94-53.

The blue-clad Liberty Belles reasserted their pack control for three jams, led by a triple take-out by Heavy Flo, and jammers Teflon Donna, Persephone and Shenita Stretcher stretched the lead back to 111-57. Bonecrusher’s big hitting freed ‘Snot Rocket Science to score 4 more but, despite having multiple skaters serving penalties, the shorthanded 2-woman walls of Philadelphia kept the rest of the jammers in check. Persephone racked up another 8 and with 15 minutes to go, the score was 119-61.

With both packs skating at breakneck speed, Shenita Stretcher took advantage of a great trap of Dresta Kill by Gloria Grindem, Sunshine Skate, and Heavy Flo to score a big 9. As Teflon Donna headed to the box after a huge back block, ‘Snot Rocket Science again shot through the pack with a head of steam looking to make a last desperate attempt to narrow the lead when a referee misinterpreted her arm movement as calling off the jam. This last bit of bad luck broke the team’s back as her two points would be the last Steel Hurtin’ would score this night.

Philadelphia’s speed killed off the penalty as the new jam started and a cut by Cheeseburger, unable to stop herself after a good hit to the inside, set up Teflon Donna to score 15 on her own powerjam. There was virtually no scoring again until Mo Pain racked up 9 on the final jam after time had expired bringing the final to 161-63. Despite the 98-point final difference, the bout was highly contested and incredibly tense and exciting. Skating without both one of their best jammers, Hurricane Heather, and one of their best pivots, La Diabla, the Steel Hurtin’ again showed marked improvement against one of the top teams in the country. For their part, Philadelphia showed off the speed, the awareness, the strength, and the experience that has brought them so much success. Tonight, they earned the state championship.