by Michael Frighten’d

A week after a heartbreaking but strongly played Spring Roll tournament, the Steel City Derby Demons returned home to Glenshaw’s Romp ‘n’ Roll on May 15th to host a pair of bouts against the Suburbia Roller Girls. These teams from Westchester County, NY, are a relatively young organization who will no doubt improve their skills by facing more experienced opponents, as Steel City has demonstrated over recent seasons. This evening will have to be chalked up as learning experiences for both the Backyard Bullies and Suburban Brawl as each squad found themselves on the short end of lopsided scores with the B-Unit winning 145-36 and Steel Hurtin’ winning 209-30 despite resting two of their strongest skaters, Athena and ‘Snot Rocket Science.

In the first bout, the B-Unit brought a complete package of offense and defense against the Backyard Bullies. B-Unit’s McShovin, coming off a 100-point game in Toledo, came firing off the jam line, outracing Lil Eve L’s last-ditch block attempt to scoot around the outside for 9 points. Fannie Mayhem then followed with 9 of her own while Velvet Assassin kept the Bullies’ Auntie Climax from breaking through the pack. With the score 18-3, Fannie Mayhem was called for a major track cut while calling off her jam, giving Suburbia a chance to keep the bout from slipping away early. Unfortunately for them, B-Unit blockers Tower O Terror and Atomic Bombino effectively killed Lil Eve L’s powerjam, only allowing 5 points. Then, Suburbia’s inexperience led to a lot of time in the box and a couple double-digit jams by McShovin and the score sat at 46-8 at the 10-minute mark.

Fannie Mayhem used her superior speed and preternatural balance to continually capture lead jammer along the edges of the track, scoring 8 off a great hole created by Tower O Terror and Velvet Assassin. The lithe Death Cake for Cutie got in on the high-scoring action for B-Unit with a couple of grand slams in the first half while Tower O Terror proved to be too much woman for Milkstud Piglet, controlling her for one of 8 scoreless Suburbia jams. The halftime score was 77-16.

With renewed energy after the break, the Bullies’ Grave Robin put a good hit on McShovin to keep her scoreless in the second half’s first jam though Slash Borden was also unable to score. Such balance was not to last, however, as Ice Pick continued great defense on Auntie Climax while the speedy Fannie Mayhem tallied 23 points. Ignoring multiple hits, Death Cake for Cutie then rode a powerjam for another 10 points and McShovin followed with 9 through a too-wide Suburbia pack. At the second half’s midpoint the score gap had widened to 118-20 with Suburbia never having captured lead jammer.

The B-Unit carried that domination through the rest of the bout, never giving up lead jammer, but the Backyard Bullies defense answered the call in the final 10 minutes, keeping within 5 points of the B-Unit over the final six jams. In particular, Milkstud Piglet had two great defensive jams against Death Cake for Cutie, once knocking her four ways from Sunday out of bounds and then riding all over her like… a pig on cake. The B-Unit defense stayed strong to the end as well. Not holding back despite having her shoulder cleared to play only the day before, Captain Miss Ill delivered a signature rocket hit on Slash Borden while Fannie Mayhem employed some jammer-on-jammer defense frustrating Auntie Climax immensely. As time expired, Suburbia seemed to be matching up better. However it was not enough to bring the final score any closer than 145-36.

In the evening’s second bout, as the Steel Hurtin’ took on Suburban Brawl, the first jam had a frightening moment for all in attendance. Popular Pittsburgh jammer Hurricane Heather entered the Suburbia pack for her second scoring pass and took a shoulder to the head and then struck her head again on the floor out of bounds. A hush settled over the crowd as she regained her feet and just seemed to drift, dazed, back onto the track not knowing where she was and facing the wrong direction. Thankfully, she made her way towards her nearby bench and lowered herself to the floor before the pack came back around again. Though she could not regain her footing, she regained her senses enough to call of the jam and then left to be checked out by the paramedics.

With the score 9-2, the Crippler checked in to jam for Steel Hurtin’ and, skating with such élan, perhaps renewed from the successful Spring Roll tournament, danced and leapt through good position defense by Vixen Von Bruizen and Smashing Pumpkin for 12 points. Suburbia followed with a 12-4 powerjam run by jammers Hard-Core Vette and Lesley E. Visserate following good block-work by Captain Dina Sore Jr. and Asst. Captain Brawl Stanley. The 25-14 score at that point was the closest they would get as they would not score again in the half against a Pittsburgh defense led by Damage Dahl, doing her best impression of Athena on Brawl Stanley and AWOL. Steel Hurtin’s Girl Rolla Warfare whipped Cheeseburger through the pack for 4 points just ahead of another 17 by the Crippler and, at fifteen minutes, the lead had increased to 46-14.

The Shocker blew through the pack with a 22-point jam for Steel Hurtin then shortly followed that up with another 15, riding the inside curve like a tightrope. The senior Suburbia team struggled with penalties as much as their sisters with three in the box and another waiting her turn and they could only watch as the Crippler rattled off another 14 and a rejuvenated Hurricane Heather returned to score 9. The Suburbia defense clamped down a bit as the half wound down. Dina Sore Jr. and Vixen Von Bruizen kept Cheeseburger in the pack until a nice trap by Steel Hurtin’ on Grave Robin forced them to let the Pittsburgh jammer through. Steel City continued their own great defense including a heroic double-penalty kill by La Diabla and Girl Rolla Warfare, keeping Lesley E. Visserate off the board despite the odds. The first half came to a close with Steel Hurtin’ comfortably ahead 123-14.

Starting the second half, Hurricane Heather showed no effect from her early scare and oh so swiftly scored another 20 points as the Hurtin’ blockers trapped big-hitting Anne Sane at the back of the pack. Then AWOL finally broke the scoring slump for Suburbia with 3 points to the Crippler’s 4. Smashing Pumpkin was unable to follow her teammate’s success, soaking a strong block from Helen Fire, then another from La Diabla, then another from WhipSmart! and finally looked exhausted as Cheeseburger called off a 15-point jam. The Shocker followed with her own triple grand-slam to bring the score to 177-17. At that point Steel Hurtin’ coach BARF decided to switch things up, moving the regular jammers into blocker rotation and jamming with blockers the rest of the bout. Damage Dahl captured early bragging rights with some fancy footwork and 6 points as the 15-minute mark passed at 186-19.

The defense stayed strong for Steel Hurtin’ despite the personnel reversal. Ally McKill got in some penalty trouble as a jammer leading to three straight powerjams for Suburbia, but huge hits from Bonecrusher and tandem blocking by J-Bomb and Damage Dahl kept Hard-Core Vette and Leslie E. Visserate from scoring no more than 4 each. Despite having many tired skaters, AWOL and Brawl Stanley kept up the painful hitting as Steel Hurtin’ rotated the star through the team. La Diabla bested her teammate Damage Dahl with a 10-point jam, but the solid-rock Bonecrusher seemed on her way to more before she called off her 7-point jam with 30 seconds remaining on the clock. Time ticked down to a final of 209-30 and the fans gave Suburbia a big hand as they took a victory lap along with the home town winners. They’ll have a lot to discuss on the way back to Westchester and their next time through Pittsburgh will surely show great improvement.