by Michael Frighten’d

Romp ‘n’ Roll in Glenshaw, PA opened its doors to the Steel City Derby Demons for one last regular-season doubleheader of bouts on August 21 as the Nashville Music City Rollergirls crossed the Mason-Dixon line for the weekend. Steel City responded with a pair of victories to close out a highly-successful season further establishing Pittsburgh’s skaters as some of the best the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association has to offer. The first bout went down to the final jam but the Blitzburgh Bombers pulled out a 54-46 comeback victory against the Music City Brawl Stars while the second bout’s results were less in question as Steel Hurtin’ took down the Music City All-Stars 182-69. In a month, the Steel Hurtin’ will head to the national stage of Eastern Regionals where they rank 5th, riding high from both this night’s and last week’s strong victories against similarly-ranked Central leagues (Nashville – 5th in South Central, Brew City Bruisers – 5th in North Central).

The Music City Brawl Stars came out strong against the Bombers in the opener. Dramatic Pyrony got them started right with a 5-0 powerjam while Cruisin B. Anthony sat out a low block penalty after being downed. Whip Lashes continued Nashville’s early control taking the lead up to 8-0. In the third jam, Moxie Crimefighter broke through for Blitzburgh’s first lead jammer and mimicked the Brawl Stars’ short controlled jams by laying 4 down before Dramatic Pyrony could score. Then the Tooth Fairy, making her Steel City debut along with Unsafe Tex and The Maestro, took to the jam line. The Lilliputian skater won lead jam ahead of Nashville blocker Hildabeast before the much larger blocker forced her back into the pack. Attaxl Rose and Vicious Virus, however, led a waterfalling defense on Jersey Jackhammer to keep her off the board and Tooth Fairy managed 2 points to bring the score up to 8-6 Music City. The score remained the same until Dramatic Pyrony laid a good block on Mission Impassible to free Whip Lashes for lead jammer but she soon headed to the box for an elbow. Seeking to capitalize, Moxie Crimefighter matched Whip Lashes’ 4 points during the powerjam but soon was sent to the box herself for cutting the track. The midway mark closed at 12-10 Nashville as The Maestro keystoned a strong back-wall defense.

Dramatic Pyrony racked up a very tough grand slam with multiple hard licks from Madame Abagael and an unintended one from Hissy Fit on her way to the Blitzburgh penalty box. Before she could score more, however, Mission Impassible fired in from the box and swiftly snuck through the pack as Nashville was caught unaware the powerjam had ended. With the score 19-10, Pinky Dontchadare-o laid a big block to free Moxie Crimefighter for another 4 points, the masked marauder accounting for 86% of Blitzburgh’s first half scoring. Meanwhile Music City’s Mackin was finally able to take out pivot Attaxl Rose who had been wrecking shop in virtually every jam she skated, but as she went to the box for the illegal block, managed to inadvertently upend the taller Steel City skater again on her next time around. The halftime whistle sounded with the score 3 touchdowns to 2, Nashville, 21-14.

The second half began with more great defense by the Music City Brawl Stars. Captain Suzy Ho’maker drove Cruisin B Anthony out with a strong hit, but the former Ithaca SufferJet caught up so swiftly, Dramatic Pyrony could not increase their lead. Then, Nashville got the breakout jam they needed with great defense by Hildabeast and a bout-high 9 points from the swift-skating Whip Lashes. In what had been a very tight race, Nashville looked to have breathing room with the doubled-up 30-15 score. Attaxl Rose laid a great hit on debuting Nashville jammer Nix & Bruises and the score remained the same until Cruisin B Anthony toed the jam line alongside Whip Lashes. Putting a great move around Suzy Ho’maker, Cruisin B Anthony grabbed lead jammer and with truly inspired skating, racked up a triple grand-slam against a full pack, while Dakota Slamming and The Maestro led a shutout of Whip Lashes. Suddenly, it was a tie game. Mean Burrito continued the momentum shift for Blitzburgh, fighting through the inside to score 4 more but then went to the box and Dramatic Pyrony answered with a 10-point powerjam. With only 10 minutes to go, Nashville had reasserted a 40-34 lead.

Nix & Bruises dodged a big hit from Attaxl Rose to increase the Nashville lead by 2. Dakota Slamming answered with a point while Jersey Jackhammer found herself stuck behind a Pittsburgh wall until busted through by Trisha Torment. The agile Whip Lashes dashed through a big hole on the inside created by her blocker Hildabeast and matched Moxie Crimefighter for 4 points each. Then, Cruisin B Anthony returned to the jam line. After a frustrating attempt to break past Attaxl Rose, Mission Impassible, and Mean Burrito, Dramatic Pyrony shifted gears to lay some good jammer-on-jammer defense on Cruisin B Anthony at the back of the pack, but a one-legged scoot freed the Blitzburgh jammer to almost tie the game again and it was 46-45. The speedy Moxie Crimefighter scooted to the outside on the next jam to tie it with three minutes to go. Hildabeast laid a massive hit on Cruisin B Anthony in the next scoreless jam, but her team was unable to score, either, and the dominating Nashville blocker was called for a penalty along with Suzy Ho’maker just as the jam ended. With a minute-and-a-half to go and a short-handed pack for the Brawl Stars, Dakota Slamming raced through for 8 points and the ultimate victory for the Blitzburgh Bombers: 54-46.

Continuing the defense-focused games of their sisters-in-arms, Steel Hurtin’ and the Music City All-Stars began their bout with more pack control and low scoring. Pittsburgh’s Ally McKill and Nashville’s E-Money (E-$$) led the good defense at the start and after two jams the score was 2-1 Nashville. ‘Snot Rocket Science played some good Steel City jammer-on-jammer defense against Britches N’ Hose. As the Nashville pack slid back to their jammer’s aid, ‘Snot Rocket Science shook off a big hit by Luscious Loosie to speed for lead jammer. Friction Vixxxen, making her Steel City debut after transferring from Austin and Denver, kept Britches N’ Hose under control while ‘Snot Rocket Science’s 4 points captured a 5-2 lead for Steel Hurtin’. The mighty Showstopper for Nashville kept The Crippler under control long enough for Rambo Sambo to tie the game at 5. Hurricane Heather, using her speed to escape the relentlessly hard-hitting Nashville blocker Union Jack-U-Up, finally cracked things open for a pair of grand slams against a full pack with help from a Bonecrusher hip-whip. The 18-5 Steel Hurtin’ lead would never be reduced or relinquished. Britches N’ Hose continued some great, clean defensive work on The Shocker but the blonde pony-tailed speedster was eventually able to add 7 more to the lead. Around the 10-minute mark, penalties began to play a part, and Rambo Sambo won a 3-1 jam despite Damage Dahl and Friction Vixxxen playing great 2-blocker pack defense. Britches N’ Hose sought to continue the momentum change, whipping Susan ahead for lead jammer but a back block opened up the first powerjam opportunity of the bout for Hurricane Heather. The dreadlocked speedster responded by putting big moves on Showstopper and Britches N’ Hose and leapt over a Union Jack-U-Up block for 15 points. Midway through the first half, Steel Hurtin’ had a 39-10 lead.

With what would essentially be a tie game without the two breakout jams by Hurricane Heather, good defense by both teams continued to dominate the second quarter. Bonecrusher controlled the front of the pack while Dresta Kill laid hit after big hit on Susan. Cheeseburger managed to avoid the bird-dogging Four-Leaf Roller to rack up 4, pinballing through the pack. Keeping their blockers in the back, Steel Hurtin’ blockers managed to shut out Nashville 7 of 9 jams in a row as WhipSmart!, Friction Vixxxen, Bonecrusher, and Dresta Kill made life miserable for Nashville jammers Rambo Sambo, Maulin Monroe, and Susan. The Shocker shot through a surprisingly open middle of the pack for 12 as the half headed for a close. In the final jam of the half, Slayla put a good hit on ‘Snot Rocket Science who then went to the box for a back block. Hoping to get some momentum before the break, Maulin Monroe scored 3 on the powerjam but a big hit by Dresta Kill caused her to cut the track and ‘Snot Rocket Science, thus freed, knew what to do in a loose no-pack situation and struck for 8 to bring the halftime score to 75-20 Steel Hurtin’ as Nashville’s Lady Fury had her knee examined by the medical staff.

Steel City coach BArf brought a different strategy to the second half, opening things up for longer and higher-scoring jams for both teams. WhipSmart! whipped ‘Snot Rocket Science for a 16-point jam to begin the half while Rambo Sambo answered with 8. Then Dresta Kill led a goat-pen trap as Hurricane Heather again doubled up Rambo Sambo, 8-4. The Crippler put a great move on the inside to rack up 4 to bring Steel Hurtin’ almost to the century mark, 99-32. In a photo finish for lead jammer, Damage Dahl was able to slow down Susan just enough to win it for ‘Snot Rocket Science, but when the Steel Hurtin’ jammer was called for cutting, Susan struck for a 10-point powerjam. Rambo Sambo hoped to continue the powerjam scoring but great waterfalling defense by Ally McKill, Athena, WhipSmart! and the ubiquitous Dresta Kill kept her off the scoreboard and ‘Snot Rocket Science was able to grab both lead jammer and 4 points despite starting in the box. Four-Leaf Roller continued to be a defensive standout for Nashville but her jammers could not seem to break through as Steel Hurtin’ blockers, featuring great work by Friction Vixxxen and Bonecrusher, began a 15-jam series shutting out Nashville in all but 2 line changes. Hurricane Heather, too fast for the tiring All-Stars, and The Crippler, dodging blocks left and right, hammered home 9 and 4, respectively. As the midpoint of the half crested, ‘Snot Rocket Science lost a minute off the track due to an equipment malfunction but still was able to earn lead jam and 3 points on her return. With 15 minutes remaining, the gap was opened up to 127-46.

E-$$ controlled Cheeseburger as the Pittsburgh veteran jammer tried to find an opening, but all she found was a massive hit by Showstopper. Cheeseburger sustained a knee injury herself on the sidelines and exited the game. Showstopper looked to play an encore against Hurricane Heather with good defense until Dresta Kill unceremoniously dumped her with a massive booty block. Hurricane Heather tallied 9 points as Union Jack-U-Up avenged her fallen teammate and sent WhipSmart! to the floor. Again and again, Nashville’s lead jammers found themselves calling off their opportunites before they could be outscored by the accelerating Pittsburgh jammers like The Shocker, who acrobatically leapt past a 3-blocker wall and then dodged a big hit by Britches N’ Hose. As time wound down, and more and more tired out Nashville skaters rested in the penalty box, ‘Snot Rocket Science ole’d Showstopper for a 24-0 jam and Steel Hurtin’ had a huge 180-49 lead. On the final jam, concentration slipped a bit for Steel City and a miscommunication with the bench caused ‘Snot Rocket Science to attempt to call off despite not having lead jammer. Maulin Monroe, with a powerjam and a full two minutes to play with, almost doubled her team’s second half scoring with 20 points. Then, despite ‘Snot Rocket Science only making one turn around the track before leaving for another penalty, all things must end and the final score closed at 182-69 Steel City.