by Michael Frighten’d

Interstate rivals from Lancaster, the Dutchland All-Stars and Dutchland Blitz, rolled into Pittsburgh on April 17th to take on the Steel Hurtin’ and Blitzburgh Bombers at Romp ‘n’ Roll. In the main event, the All-Stars and Hurtin’, both coming in at 2-1 on the year in WFTDA action and looking to rebound from losses, fought a rough-and-tumble battle ending with a Hurtin’ win, 177-97 by the time the final whistle sounded. The opener saw a very tight back-and-forth match of B-teams where the Blitz pulled out an 82-77 win over Blitzburgh in the final 5 minutes.

Right from the first whistle, it was clear that the Dutchland Blitz were bringing a speed game to the Bombers’ first home bout of the season. Dutchland jammers Ruthless Ness, Cleaverpatra, Punk Sue Tawney, and Blue Scream of Death sprinted both to and off the line all match long, snatching leads in 19 of the 26 jams. In the second jam of the night, only a great last-ditch block from Attaxl Rose kept Cleaverpatra from scoring a double grand slam as Dutchland staked an early 9-2 lead. Blitzburgh matchups of Dakota Slamming and Moxie Crimefighter versus Dutchland’s Rum N Choke almost evened the score by the first half’s midpoint, 25-22. Perhaps reeling from a bit hit by Miss Ill, Rum N Choke did not jam for the rest of the match.

Blitzburgh’s BB Basher laid big hits on both Blue Scream of Death and inadvertently, her own jammer, Elsie Thudd, then sat in the penalty box as the score closed to a Dutchland 28-26 lead. From that point on the Dutchland defense, led by Sistene Shrapnel and Megan Whoopie, put a stranglehold on Blitzburgh and only allowed 3 more points in the last nine minutes. Punk Sue Tawney also played great defense when she wasn’t jamming, and whipped Ruthless Ness for a 9-point score and a 49-29 halftime lead, despite the strong efforts of Bombers’ blockers Miss Ill and Madame Abigail.

The second half began with a slower pack and Madame Abigail laying a double Amish shunning on both Sistene Shrapnel and Ruthless Ness at once, the latter getting sent to the penalty box as well. Thus freed for a power jam, Elsie Thudd rattled off 19 points to almost even the score at 50-48. Soon afterward, Miss Ill took out Punk Sue Tawney before getting taken out herself by Megan Whoopie, and Dakota Slamming posted 8 to take the lead for Blitzburgh at 56-52. The speedy Cleaverpatra was able to even it at 56 and then Dutchland took back the lead at 63-56 with Blue Scream of Death scoring on a power jam despite a slick move by Miss Ill, blocking teammate Iron City Pounder into the opposing jammer.

The next jam saw Blitzburgh recapture the lead at 69-64 with AA defense by BB Basher and CC DeKill and a nice 13-point squirt through the pack by Moxie Crimefighter as the clock ticked to under ten minutes to go. Cleaverpatra deked past Trippin’ Daisy and Attaxl Rose to bring Dutchland back within 2 and then Blue Scream of Death took the lead while the backline of Dutchland, led by Cherry Crush, Leah Loveless, and K-T Boundary shut out the Blitzburgh skaters for four straight jams. BB Basher, Mission Impassible, Attaxl Rose, and Moxie Crimefighter kept the Bombers in the game as time ticked down, but the score sat at 81-75 Dutchland with a minute-and-a-half to go.

After a time-out and a last second switch of Blitzburgh jammers a crowded pack came around the third turn and Dutchland’s Marie Antoithreat initiated a pile-up with Dakota Slamming and Miss Ill, who landed very hard on her right shoulder. As Punk Sue Tawney scratched out one last point to Dakota Slamming’s two, Miss Ill managed to crawl off the track in obvious agony and the paramedic staff treated what appeared to be a separated shoulder. After the injury time out, and with a mere four seconds to go, Cleaverpatra iced the victory by capturing lead jammer a seventh out of eight tries and called the bout at 82-77.

Pennsylvania is sometimes described politically as Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, with Alabama in the middle. The WFTDA-sanctioned main event between the Steel Hurtin’ and Dutchland All-Stars was a strange sandwich as well with the Hurtin’ dominating the first and last 15-minute sections while getting out-scored in the middle. Captain Athena of Steel Hurtin’ made her presence felt in the first jam, taking out both the opposing captain, Jolene Jawbreaker, and her jammer, Skid Ho, in one fell whoop, while Hurricane Heather shot out to a 9-0 lead. Following that, ‘Snot Rocket Science flew off a whip from La Diabla to rack up another 14 while Dutchland jammer Nash Villain cooled her skates in the penalty box. Another power jam for Steel Hurtin’ led to a 15-point scamper by Cheeseburger and a massive early 46-2 lead.

With the bout seemingly in hand, ‘Snot Rocket Science skated both forward and backwards in a defensive jam, harrying Nash Villain who, perhaps taking exception to a celebratory wiggle, knocked ‘Snot hard just after the jam was called. The no-harm-done bump seemed to alter both the momentum and tenor of the bout and emotions began to run high as Dutchland grittily fought its way back into the match. Captain Athena’s big hits led to multiple trips to the box and jammmer after jammer seemed to follow while Dutchland coach Merv the Perv wore out a path to the center refs. In their first rematch since the incident, both ‘Snot Rocket Science and Nash Villain wound up sitting for some time with the Dutchland skater coming out ahead, scoring 10 in the power jam. Having to defend against power jams for one team or the other seemingly on every jam, penalty-killing skills came to the fore, notably WhipSmart! and J-Bomb for Steel Hurtin’ and  Lapcat and Josie Cuervo for Dutchland. Despite their efforts, Twisted Scizzors scored a 13 for Dutchland and Hurricane Heather banged out 11 for Steel Hurtin’. The half ended with ‘Snot Rocket Science out-dancing Lapcat for 8 and an 84-53 lead.

In the early minutes of the second half, WhipSmart! played good D on Twisted Scizzors and Hurricane Heather stretched the lead to 94-58 with a double grand slam. Jamming for Steel City, the Shocker kicked the spread up to 39 before being called for a collision with the ever-present Nash Villain. Skid Ho took advantage of the power jam to score 5 but no more as Ally McKill and J-Bomb put the clamps down, the latter unpopularly called for a penalty. As Dutchland skaters tumbled to the floor, Steel Hurtin found itself in a series of jams with short-handed defense, with Dresta Kill, WhipSmart! and Mel Practice trying to preserve the dwindling lead through the advantages. With the odds in their favor, however, Dutchland jammers Renegade Raven and Nash Villain scored 15 and 8 respectively to close the gap to 104-88, a mere 16 points, with 15 minutes to go.

The next jam saw another major momentum shift. While ‘Snot Rocket Science split the front wall of blockers to capture lead jammer, pivot Ally McKill came up huge, forcing Skid Ho out of bounds and into an outside track-cutting penalty. The power jam begun, Steel Hurtin’ called it after a few points to bring in the lightning-fast Hurricane Heather who proceeded to rack up 18 points before Skid Ho could rally back to the pack. ‘Snot Rocket Science then cranked out 9 off a Girl Rolla Warfare whip and Hurricane Heather tallied another 15 on a power jam. The Steel Hurtin’ defense became impregnable with La Diabla playing a great pivot-on-pivot strategy on Lapcat. Hurricane Heather struck for another 8 and the Shocker added 9 as Athena didn’t allow Skid Ho anywhere near a point. When the dust cleared, Steel Hurtin’ had gone on an incredible 60-1 run and the score sat at 168-89. A bit more than a minute later, the final tally was 177-97 as the Steel Hurtin’ answered the Pennsylvania Dutch barn-raising with some Pittsburgh hell-raising.