Steel City Wins (Unlike a Pittsburgh Pirate) on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Recap by Michael Frighten’d

On the final season event for the Steel City Derby Demons and possibly the final sunny and warm weekend in Pittsburgh, BladeRunners in Harmarville hosted a pair of Pittsburgh-Ohio rivalry bouts this past Saturday, September 19th on International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

In the opener, Steel City’s newest roller derby team, the Blitzburgh Bombers, debuted against the Rubber City Rollergirls of Akron. This new squad of black and gold, rookie and veteran skaters sought to maintain the Steel City tradition of taking home the victory in their initial bout. The red-and-black clad veteran ladies from Akron, however, were prepared to put up a fight with a large squad of cheering fans in attendance in their No Parking t-shirts.

After a team cheer of “Bombers!” there was a solemn moment of silence to remember sister skater Moxie Mayhem of North Star Roller Girls followed by a stirring Mayoral rendition of the national anthem by Steel Hurtin’s Athena. Then the first match was underway with Blitzburgh’s Speeder Rottentail drawing honors as the first Bomber to toe the line at pivot while J Bomb donned the black-and-gold star at jammer.

The scoring was slow to begin with as the Bombers called off each jam before Rubber City could get on the board, but was broken open by the fourth jam as Madame Abagael laid a big hit on the Akron jammer Barbonic Plague and J Bomb scored the first grand slam bringing the bout to 24-0. By the middle of the first half it was clear the Blitzburgh blockers had a strong game plan against Rubber City’s jammers while J Bomb, WhipSmart!, and Girl Rolla Warfare skated to big scores against their often short-handed opponents.

With only a minute remaining in the first half, Akron got their first lead jammer, Barbonic Plague, but a .50 caliber block from Dresta Kill kept her from scoring and the half ended at 70-4.

While some aspiring pirates raced around the track in corsets, tri-cornered hats, parrots, and three-peg legs, a veteran skater detailed Blitzburgh’s strategy to this reporter. By keeping the jams short and keeping Akron completely off the scoreboard, the Bombers would not only maintain their steadily-increasing scoring margin but would demoralize the Akron girls. Additionally, Steel City’s advantage of organizing quickly to the line would be magnified by increasing the total number of jams.

Fatigue and frustration showed with Akron right away as the second half began as WhipSmart! and Miss ill flew through a penalized short-handed blocking crew bringing the score to 84-9, shoring up what looked to be a victory.

The penalties began to even out more as Rubber City’s Sicilian Slicer and Obi Wan Kenbemi brought the score up to 93-22. This was too little too late however as Steel City’s J Bomb struck back with a 13-point jam. After some distracting shenanigans with a Pittsburgh fan who was escorted out to the cheers of the No Parking crew, Sicilian Slicer rattled off a 16-point jam to bring the bout to its final score: Blitzburgh Bombers 122, Rubber City Rollergirls 48.

After a boisterous performance by Go Forth and Die, the Glass City Rollers of Toledo, Ohio, in their black and radioactive-green tops stepped up against the bodacious B-Unit of Steel City. The B-Unit’s strategy showed itself early on to be as defense-oriented as their comrades as rear blocker Busty Brawler kept Glass City’s Punk Monkey from even challenging the pack while the Shocker lapped the field for a triple grand slam in the first jam. Back-line defense by B-Unit’s Red Alert and Helen Fire continued to dominate Toledo’s jammers and kept their scoring to a minimum.

Recent Toledo addition Satan’s Little Helper proved herself to be a speedy and agile skater, capturing lead jammer multiple times, but her initial scoring attempts were quashed by big hits from Steel City’s Kinky Kurlz. A twenty-point jam by McShovin, including a great slip move around Sally Seam Rip-her opened the B-Unit lead to forty points while team captain Busty Brawler proved too much for Lightn’ Strike to flash past.

Punk Monkey and Satan’s Little Helper alternated winning lead jammer but great front-pack defense led by Tower of Terror kept the score low with Toledo’s jammers calling off before their counterparts could outscore them. Purported 7’ 9” Pamazon showed she could jam for Glass City as well, but the half ended with McShovin running off another 20 while Punk Monkey cooled her wheels in the box, giving B-Unit an 89-12 lead.

A halftime strategy change by Toledo saw a lot more jammer-on-jammer action with Satan’s Little Helper knocking the Shocker off the blocks but the willowy B-Unit skater wafted her way to still outscore the jam. Punk Monkey found herself in trouble next jam, unable to skate past Tower of Terror leaving her vulnerable to a massive clout by Kinky Kurlz, who was then called for an elbow.

Assistant B-Unit captain B.B. Basher slapped on the star and rode a whip from Pinky Dontchadare-o to lead jammer over Satan’s Little Helper, adding in a big block to sit down her smaller opponent at the end of the jam with B-Unit sitting pretty at 110-23.

The front wall of Tower of Terror and Mission Impassible earned their monikers, keeping Toledo from scoring while Helen Fire scorched a ten-point jam. The deceptively fast Shocker struck for 20 points and then, showing she’s not above some jammer-on-jammer contact herself, sent Glass City’s Vod-Killah flying into the penalty box. The hit cost Shocker a trip to the box too, but on her own two skates, however.

Some late-game jitters showed after that as Lightn’ Strike attempted to call off her jam while Shocker stewed, but was called for illegal procedure because she had not gained lead jammer.

Satan’s Little Helper scored Glass City’s first grand slam late in the bout but the Shocker put things away in the end with help by great blocking from Mission Impassible. As “I’m on a Boat!” echoed through BladeRunners, the B-Unit sailed to victory on the big blue watery road, 184 to 33.